be a lady, they said

Over the past few weeks, a video of Cynthia Nixon reciting Camille Rainville’s poem surfaced. Her face was everywhere. The video was everywhere. Opinions were circling the internet. However, this video was released in light of Harvey Weinstein’s verdict, as a reminder of the confusing and contradicting nature of what it is like to be a ‘real woman’.

Whilst re-watching this in my sociology lecture today, I couldn’t stop thinking about the phrase she kept repeating over and over again.

“Be a lady, they said.”

This really resonated with me. On a daily basis my appearance gets scrutinised. From the endless comments on Instagram from men with no followers, to strangers on the street reminding me of how I look. Although, some of the vulgar messages I receive are quite laughable.

The photos above are examples of how I dress casually in contrast with how I dress for nights out; two very different settings. Somehow, my definition of casual is a lot different to everyone else’s.

"Be a lady, they said."

“Your skirt is too short. Your shirt is too low.”

“Look sexy. Look hot.”

“You’re too dressed up. You’re too dressed down.”

Although these are quotes from the video, these phrases are along the lines of what I get bombarded with. Even when I go home, I can’t walk anywhere without my mam telling me to pull my skirt down. Unfortunately, mam, you gave me a figure that goes against the conventions of a ‘typical woman’.

On the other hand, when I am sat in my comfy clothes, people assume that something is wrong with me as I usually put ‘too much effort’ into my appearance. Especially at uni, people always question who I am trying to impress. Funnily enough, I wear what I want to wear as I want to impress myself. I don’t dress with other people's opinions in mind.

“Be a lady, they said.”

“Don’t be too fat. Don’t be too thin. Go on a diet.”

“God, you look like a skeleton. Why don’t you just eat? You look sick.”

What about those who aren't in control of their appearance? People with eating disorders can't just 'put on weight' or 'lose weight'. What about those who are actively trying to change their weight to feel comfortable for themselves, rather than being encouraged to? What about freedom of choice? These assumptions are extremely narrow minded.

If you look at current advertisements, you will notice the constant encouragement for girls and women to alter their bodies. From innocent shows such as Queer Eye (who have all intentions to desperately improve someone’s well-being), to shows such as Snog, Marry and Avoid which is used to publicly humiliate someone. In both instances, these are illustrations of having to improve your physical appearance as a direct result of other people's opinions.

For example, throughout ads for fragrance and clothing brands, there is an underlying theme of perfection. The women have perfect hair, the perfect face, the perfect body, the perfect boyfriend; the perfect everything. They promote the idea that if you buy into these products, then you are improving your well-being. These also parallel with adverts targeted for males, as there is an increasing pressure for them to conform to the same beauty standards seen for women.

However, at the same time women are encouraged to not “be like the other girls”.

Women are valued for their glamorous appearance, whilst being expected to still look natural. You need to wear minimal makeup, but just enough to hide your scars, eradicate your stretch marks and your cellulite.

Women who wear too much makeup are trying too hard. Men don’t like women who try too hard, remember?

“Be a lady, they said.”

Which one should I be? Should I even listen to these contradicting expectations?

What even constitutes as a 'lady'? Am I supposed to wear dresses and heels, or jeans and a t-shirt? Am I supposed to like soap operas or football? Am I acting too "feminine" or too "masculine"?

'Being a lady' is a social construct which isn't applicable to all women, as people express their gender identity in various ways. No gender identity is the same as another one, so why does the media generalise people's expected appearances into one stereotype?

[As a heads up, the next phrase mentioned can be triggering to some people.]

“Don’t be a temptress. Men can’t control themselves. Men have needs.”

"Don't get raped. Don't drink too much. Don't walk alone. Don't go out too late. Don't dress like that. Don't get drunk. Don't smile at strangers. Don't go out at night."

However, contrary to what the media may think, men can control themselves. Just like women can. Just like how women have needs. It is perpetrators who can’t control themselves.

This assumption is disgustingly ignorant and outdated. Women and men will get sexually harassed or assaulted wearing the clothes they are in now. Ordinary clothes. Who decides what we can and can’t wear? Who decides what outfits justify rape and what outfits don’t? It just isn't logical.

“Don’t trust anyone. Don’t say yes. Don’t say no.”

People who are in authoritative roles have advised women to always walk home with a friend in order to avoid these situations. But statistically, people will unfortunately get raped by somebody they know and maybe trust, rather than by a big scary man down a dark alleyway that their parents warned them about.

This person usually exists in your day to day life. From incidents ranging in severity, your outfit does not, and I repeat does not justify the perpetrator’s actions. Whether your outfit was a bit revealing or covered every part of your body, it has nothing to do with you.

“Just ‘be a lady’ they said.”

It’s as simple as that. But in reality, it really isn’t.

As I couldn’t cover as much as I wanted, here is the link below for the video:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMl-8yrTnnE